Grrr. Since Thursday, I have been binge-ing. I do this to myself ever so often. Whenever I think back to why I would actually do this to myself, Nurse Joanne Shartel’s words come rushing back to me. It was early 2003 and she had come over to my house to show me how to use the insulin pump. After about 4 years, she had finally convinced me an insulin pump would be the answer to all my Diabetic needs and problems. Then came those famous words, “On the pump, you can eat whatever you want. All you have to do is program the food in the pump, and whoila, insulin will cover it.” Really, I could eat whatever I wanted? Are you sure. She confirmed it again, Yes, you can eat whatever you want. No more having to avoid sugar as long as you program.
Now, here it is, 9 years later, and I find myself binge-ing, on carbs and sugar. I will literally make myself sick, for example, today I had a piece of Coconut Cream Pie, a whole package of Chocolate Rocky Road (well almost the whole packet), as well as a half bag of White Cheddar Popcorn and about half a box of Pretzel Thins. Just writing down everything I ate, makes me feel sick again. I just want this to stop. I want this madness to stop. Seriously, it’s been 24 years for me, is this ever going to end? Am I ever going to be ok by eating a piece of candy?
There are more side effects to the days I binge. My blood sugar goes extremely high, almost instantaneously. Even if I have programmed my pump to distribute insulin, my blood sugar rises quite quickly. Most of the time, I find the insulin is just not fast enough. Does that stop me? No. This makes me upset. When my blood sugars are high, I get moody. Irritated, quickly frustrated, just p.o.’d. I tend to take it out on everyone around me. However, while I should know that this is occurring because of what I decided to put into my body, my brain has detected that reasoning to be poison and will avoid the self-realization. It’s literally not until I am fed up with myself, that I finally realize that I should check my blood sugar. Usually it is in the 400’s. This happened today and my pump was out of insulin. Oh and did I mention I was away from the house so I had to wait the hour to get back home. Yeah, I was feeling pretty sick when I got home.
Is that piece of candy really worth it? No, not even the pie. It’s not worth the feeling; however, self-gratification usually wins the battle. I’m on a mission this year to help Diabetes not only for myself but for everyone.
On this Sunday, February 26th, 2012, I will make a pledge to stop the binge-ing. I make this pledge to help myself feel better physically and emotionally. I make this pledge to help be a good example for all the other Diabetics whom crave sugar. Once again, I have proven to myself, insulin is not a cure! I need to stop treating it like it is.
Here’s to a better week.
XoXo,
Crystal
Insulin is not a cure! 